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Fixed Up

By Jessica Leigh Johnson

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Never again. Never. Again.
I repeat the words over and over as I drive home from my blind date. My last blind date.
Ever.
I thought it’d be fun to have a guy of my own so I didn’t have to spend every Friday night alone while my roommate and her boyfriend went out, but I’ve changed my mind. I don’t need a man that badly. I’ll pick up a new hobby to occupy my lonely nights. Knitting has always intrigued me. I think I’ll try it.
Although, ever since Nora started dating Milo, she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her. I wouldn’t mind being that happy too—if I could find the right guy. But so far, none of the guys Nora has set me up with have come close to hitting the mark. Especially Todd, the guy I spent the last two hours with. Why Nora thought he would be a good match for me is anyone’s guess.
My foot presses down on the accelerator as I speed home. Once I park in front of the fourplex where Nora and I live, I hop out and run across the lawn as fast as my Birkenstock-clad feet will allow. The warm summer wind blows strands of auburn hair in front of my face, and I don’t bother wiping them away. I’m a woman on a mission.
By the time I reach our second-floor apartment, I’m almost out of breath, but I can’t let that stop me. I have to tell Nora that I’m done with all the matchmaking.
But when I walk in and Nora’s face erupts in a massive grin, I almost regret what I have to tell her.
She springs from the couch. “So… how was it?”
I cross the brown-and-orange linoleum entryway, pass the small kitchenette, and march into the living room. I stand across from her and lightly grip her upper arms. “He has aquariums.”
Nora’s grin fades, and her dark eyebrows scrunch together. “Meg Rowland, for Pete’s sake, cut the guy some slack.”
I release her, then fall back onto the faux-leather couch behind me. “I did. I spent more than an hour at dinner cutting him slack—yards of it. I listened to him talk on and on about his job, while he never once asked about mine. Did you know he owns a pet store?”
Nora sits beside me, crossing one leg over the other. “That’s where I met him. Milo wants to get a dog, so we went to Todd’s pet store, only it turns out they don’t sell dogs there.”
“No. They sell aquariums. That’s probably why Todd owns the place, so he can get an employee discount to buy more aquariums. His apartment is full of them.” I can still see the glowing blue lights whenever I blink, like they’re seared into the backs of my eyelids.
Nora exhales and leans back into the cushions. “If he was so awful, how did you end up at his apartment? That seems a bit premature for a first date.”
“Under normal circumstances, yes, I would agree. But my last few dates didn’t make it past the half-hour mark, and I knew you’d be disappointed if I came home early again. When Todd mentioned he had a huge collection of National Park stickers at his place, I thought, why not? Maybe they’d be interesting. But when we got there—”
“You discovered the aquariums.”
“Nine aquariums, actually. Floor-to-ceiling.”
“So then what? You left?”
“What else could I do?”
She flings up her arms. “You could’ve taken the time to get to know him. Maybe you guys have something in common, but now you’ll never know. Todd could be a really great guy, yet you rejected him over the littlest thing.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Did I mention he has an eighteen-year-old African bullfrog named ‘Homey’ in one of his aquariums? That thing is not little.” Besides, Nora should know how I feel about pets with no fur. “Why prolong something that’s destined for failure? I gave Todd more chances than I normally would, but when a guy has obvious red flags, it’s not right to string him along. Some things are deal breakers.”
Nora shakes her head. “You need to pare down your list of deal breakers. You have too many.”
There’s no use arguing with Nora because she’ll never understand. She thinks that I try to find reasons to reject men before they have a chance to reject me, like some sort of self-preservation tactic or defense mechanism. But she’s wrong. The guys she’s introduced me to have been total mismatches, and Todd has been the worst one yet. I smile at her, trying to soften my expression as I announce my decision. “I appreciate all the effort you’ve put into finding me a man, but I think we should take a break from the matchmaking for a while.”
Nora frowns. “What? You can’t give up now. I still have a few guys in mind for you.”
Her disappointed expression tugs at my heart a little, but it’s time to face facts. Nora has set me up on six blind dates in the last two months, and not one of them has led to a second date. “Nora, for as much as you know about me, you don’t seem to have a clue what I’m looking for in a man. I doubt you could ever find the right guy for me.”
She places a hand to her chest. “I’m hurt. I think I’ve been spot-on with my selections for you. You’re the one who sabotages relationships before they even start. You’re too picky.”
Too picky? “Let’s review.” I hold my hand out in front of me and tap my fingertips, listing men’s names off one by one. “Nate from the gym called me ‘dude’ the entire night, Lucas wore two necklaces—two!—and Derek says pro-noun-ciate, which we all know is not a real word.”
Nora grabs my hand to stop me. “Do you hear yourself? Do you know how insignificant those things are in the big picture?”
I shrug. “Dude is not a term of endearment, I should be the only one wearing jewelry, and I don’t want to be the smartest person in the relationship.”
She scratches her chin. “Well, that cuts out Gideon, my delivery guy at the salon. He’s super funny, but I think he has pierced ears, and you’d probably spend your entire date correcting his grammar.” She presses her lips into a thin line and taps her index finger against them. “Hmm …”
Oh no. She’s hmm-ing again. I can almost see the matchmaking cogs spinning like a roulette wheel in her head. On whose name will the ill-fated marble land next?
Nora points her index finger in the air. “What do you think of Jason from the bank? Remember him? He’s that loan specialist I met with about opening my own salon.”
“No way. Don’t even go there.”
“Why not? He’s smart. He knows a lot about investing and saving. I think he could be a great match for you.”
I laugh. “I could never have romantic feelings toward Jason.”
“But he’s so nice.”
“Yes, and he sounds like a frog.”
Nora freezes. Her unblinking gaze gives me chills. “You’re kidding me.”
“Kidding you? About the frog voice?” I shake my head. “No, I assure you, I am not. No one’s voice should sound like that unless they’re being strangled. Plus, he has rug hair.”
Nora covers her mouth with her hand and slides it, ever so slowly, down to her chin until she’s pulled her lips into the perfect frown. Like a painted-on clown frown. Then she tilts her head to one side. “Dare I even ask what rug hair is?”
Does she need to? It’s self-explanatory. “His hair is super thick, and it’s cut sheer across the top like a rug. Can you imagine running your hands through that hair or listening to his frog voice rasping sweet nothings in your ear every night? I certainly can’t. Oh, and he’s way too short. I’m only five-six, yet when I stand across the bank counter from him, I can stare him directly in the eyes without looking up. Next to him, I feel like a Brobdingnagian.”
“A what?”
“You know, from Gulliver’s Travels? It means a person from the land of Brobdingnag. Everything there is giant-sized, as opposed to—”
“Enough already!” Nora makes a giant X in the air with karate-chop hands. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are bugged out. “I’ve heard enough of you tearing these poor guys apart. So what if he’s on the short side? If you want to be happy, you’ll have to let some of those things go, or else you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.”
I stare open-mouthed at her. She looks ticked. But this is important. This is my life we’re talking about, and I won’t settle. I straighten my spine and lift my chin. “I’m totally fine with being alone.”
“No, you’re not, Meg. You’re just saying that.” Nora’s gaze holds me hostage. She’s reached her limit with me. That much is clear. But how can she possibly relate to my man-finding problems? She met Milo at work. He walked in one day, asked for a shampoo and trim, and they were both smitten. Love at first sight. If only it were that easy for everyone.
“Do you know what I think the problem is?” she continues. “You’re setting your standards so high, no man could ever measure up. You have all the power. If you cut things off after the first date, no one can break things off with you because you’ve already beaten them to it.” A few seconds pass, and her rigid expression softens. “I realize you don’t want to get hurt again, but if you want to find love, you’ll have to take some risks.”
I look down at my hands, then drag my gaze up to meet hers. “That’s not what I’m doing. Not even close.” Okay, maybe it’s a little close to that.
Nora takes a slow, deep breath. “I’m only trying to help because I care about you and I want to see you happy.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. I really do.”
“But you still want me to stop fixing you up?”
I press my lips together while I mull that over. Since I’m the only one who really knows what I’m looking for, it’s probably best that I take control of my love life for a while. What’s the rush anyway? I’m only twenty-five. Maybe a dating hiatus will be good for me. It will give me time to explore that knitting idea. I only have one hobby—reading. Imagine how much fuller my life would be if I had two.
Decision made, I bob my head once. “I’ll take it from here. Consider yourself released from all matchmaking duties.”
Nora’s brow hikes upward. “So…you don’t want a boyfriend?”
“Not right now. I’m good. Maybe I’ll meet someone on my own, but if not, then I’ll remain single. I am totally fine with that if it means I don’t have to endure another blind date.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. And now, will you promise never to fix me up again?” I extend my hand toward her. I wait a moment while she angles her head first to one side, then the other.
“I still have one last guy in mind, and I think he might be the one.”
“Nora, please! No more fix-ups. You have terrible taste in men, Milo excluded.”
She sighs, then takes my hand. “Fine. No more men.”
I shake her hand like I’ve just sold her a really nice used car. “Thank you. Now, doesn’t that feel good? Like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders?”
“Yes, I feel amazing,” she utters sarcastically. “Now we’re back to you tagging along when Milo and I go out. What could be better?”
I toss my hand out to my side. “Hey, I’m fine with third-wheeling it. It’s better than being stuck in a relationship with someone who keeps his roommates in glass containers.”
Before I go to bed that night, I decide to get cracking on my new hobby as soon as possible. I pull my phone from the nightstand and order five thousand yards of wool yarn—enough to make three adult-sized sweaters. I feel lighter than I have in months. Finally, no more blind dates. No more struggling through awkward conversations with strangers. And no more dating someone just to avoid being alone. I’m content in my singleness.
I do a celebratory kick-punch judo move in the air. “No more aquariums,” I whisper-shout. “No more rug hair! No more frog voice!”
“I can hear you,” Nora calls from her room.
Whoops. Sometimes I forget we share a bedroom wall. I plop onto my mattress. “Sorry. I’ll go to sleep now.”
But I’m not sorry about not settling. If a guy doesn’t meet my standards, then he isn’t worth my time. I refuse to compromise.
Besides, singleness is a virtue, isn’t it? Or maybe that’s patience—which is okay, too, because I happen to have an abundance of patience. I’ll wait for the right guy to come along, no matter how long it takes. I have nothing but time.
Time…and a whole lot of yarn.
 

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