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Amazing Love

By K. Dawn Byrd

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Prologue

Dee signed the letter with a flourish and then read it aloud.

Maggie:

For the longest time, I blamed myself. There must be something terribly wrong with me, something so bad that even a mother couldn't love me. After years of therapy, I've learned that it's not me, it's you, Maggie. You're not capable of loving anyone. That's a terrible thing to say about a mother, but it's true.

Even here at Carpe Diem, I've continued therapy via technology. Today was a hard day because it's my birthday. As was expected, I never heard from you. Like my therapist said, it's not my fault you didn't call. It's a choice you made, Maggie, like so many other bad choices.

I used to dwell often on the things you allowed to happen to me. You had to have known that John was visiting my room almost nightly. You chose to ignore it even though he was your husband. And then, he sold me to his wealthy friends and you stood back and allowed it to happen. Whoever had the most money. That wasn't the life I would have chosen if given a choice. Even now, I long for a life of normalcy. A husband, a couple of children, and a picket fence is just a dream.

There are times I hate you, but I realize you have demons of your own. Something has happened to you to cause you to be so selfish and full of anger. That's why I try to overlook your hostility and lack of love toward me. You need a good therapist.

My therapist recommends that I write letters to you when I'm angry. It helps. This is letter 642. I've kept them all. You'll probably never read them, but they're not really for you. They're for me.

Your daughter, Dee


Chapter One

Secrets destroy lives.

Dee Dillow stood frozen before Aunt Tilly's monstrosity of a house, thinking about the secret she'd hid from everyone there, obsessing about how it could destroy her. Aunt Tillie had named the house after her motto, Carpe Diem. Seize the day. The journey of a thousand moments began there. It seemed like a lifetime ago, like someone else's journey, but it had shaped her into the woman she was today.

She sighed. If only her mother had given Aunt Tillie custody, things would have been different. She might have led a normal life. Dee swallowed down the lump in her throat that arose whenever she thought of how her mother had used her to grow the business. On bad days, she battled the urge to hate her. On good days, she pitied her.

A golden ray of sunshine peeked through the clouds, spraying the porch in dapple hues and bouncing off newly washed windows. She smiled. Maybe it was a sign that brighter days were ahead. If Dee had believed in God, she might have thought it was some kind of communication from him. But, from what she'd heard, he would never accept someone tainted like her.

She slumped into a white Adirondack chair, feeling dejected and worn. The scent of fresh paint mingled with the ocean's salty spray and calmed her fragile nerves. It was easy to forget that a world of immoral responsibilities existed back in Nevada while she resided tucked away on the secluded cove. No wonder Aunt Tillie had loved the place. If only she could stay here forever, forsake the old life, form a new identity and change who—actually no, what--she was.
Dee shook her head. Crazy thoughts. Dreams. That's what they were. The past had trapped her and there was no changing that.

When a twig snapped behind her, she turned quickly as an involuntary shudder of fear washed through her. Lowering the hand she had unconsciously moved to her throat, she reminded herself that she was on the coast, not back in Vegas held at knifepoint. Recovering, Dee smiled in an attempt to hide her alarm. "Oh, it's just you."

"Just me? Thanks for the warm welcome." There was a hint of teasing sarcasm in Gabe Knight's deep voice and a twinkle in his green eyes.

"I didn't mean I wasn't happy to see you. You know what I meant."

When his eyes lingered on her face and then shifted to her lips, Dee's blood stirred. She shrugged the feelings off. The last thing she needed was to develop a crush on a preacher.

He shoved a screwdriver in the tool belt that hung low around his waist. "So, how are you today?"

"Fine. I was just reminiscing."

He smiled the crooked smile she so loved and warmth washed over her more powerfully than the sun's rays. She looked away first, surprised at herself for feeling so self-conscious. She loved men, had been in the intimate company of too many to count. What was it about him that left her undone?

"I take it you have a past at Carpe?"

"I spent one summer here." Dee looked away, overcome by sudden emotion as the memories came flooding back. A scrawny teenage girl attempting to hide the bulge of pregnancy. The rush to the hospital. The delivery. The cry of the baby girl she gave up without ever holding her. She swallowed hard, stuffing the pain somewhere deep inside her that nothing and no one could touch.

Gabe's cheeks flushed and he looked away as if embarrassed that he'd been caught studying her so intently. "When I was a teenager, I used to help Ted with the landscaping. I loved digging in the dirt. Still do."

Desolation settled over her as she considered what she'd sacrificed in order to remain the highest paid call girl in all of Nevada. Gabe was everything she wanted in a man. The peace that radiated from him unnerved her, making her long for what he had, but afraid of it at the same time. "I never was allowed to play in the dirt. My mother believed in keeping me exquisitely clean." And ready for any man with a pile of money.

"Too bad. There's something soothing about getting your hands dirty. Tell you what, you pick out..."

For a moment, she fixated on the word dirty and missed the rest of what he'd said. She was dirty all right. Dee shook off the thought. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, you pick out some plants and I'll help you plant them. Deal?"

"Deal." She stood, taking in the marvel of him, one of the most handsome men she'd ever laid eyes on and the only preacher she'd ever let get close to her. She'd learned to seal her heart against any man who had the power to hurt her, but the door was creeping open ever so slowly as Gabe broke through her defenses.

He pointed to the far corner of the house. "A couple of hydrangeas would be nice there. What do you think?"

Hydrangeas. Something of beauty might cheer her up. "I-I'd like that. Maybe some roses too? I like the scent of roses."

"Sure." He waved his hand, pointing out an area by the porch. "You need something right there. Maybe we could take a trip into town? You know, see what's available?"

She glanced at his large hands and imagined his gentle touch. A man's physical touch she could handle. She'd even learned to go to another place in her mind while entertaining if necessary, but the whispers he sent racing across her heart were another thing all together.

"I'd like that, but not today. I have business to take care of. " She really should call Peaches and get an update on the brothel. Afterwards, she could enjoy the mansion and pretend that her other life didn't exist.

Even now, she fought the gentle longing that stirred her every time she looked at Gabe. Something about him made her want to change, to become good. Respectable. But, was that even possible? Probably not this late in the game.
She allowed her eyes to wonder from the dark hair that peeked out from under his cowboy hat to the shadow of stubble on a well-formed chin before looking away. A fleeting thought of seducing him entered her mind and Dee pushed it away, chastising herself. It was wrong to have such inappropriate thoughts about a preacher. She wanted him and it saddened her. Gabe Knight would never accept a woman like her. He belonged with a skirt wearing, childbearing, choir singing holy woman.

Dee wished for the thousandth time that her mother hadn't been a street hooker who'd married the owner of the highest-class brothel in Nevada, that her stepfather hadn't tainted her at a young age, and that she hadn't entered the business. Even though it made her a pile of money, she'd give it all up, if she could just live a normal life at Carpe Diem.

Gabe averted his gaze to the house, looking upward and nodding. "The ole gal is coming along nicely, isn't she?"

Dee nodded.

"So, what are your plans for today?"

"I'd like to have the columns on the front porch replaced."

"A good coat of paint would do the trick."

"I don't want paint. I want new columns. Exact replicas."

Gabe brushed a stray lock of hair away from his eyes. "You're talking custom work if you want exact matches. They'll be pretty expensive."

Dee shrugged her shoulders. "It doesn't matter. It's important to me that everything is as original as possible. Money is no object when it comes to Carpe Diem." Let him think all of her money came from Tilly's estate. There was no need for anyone to know that she actually owned half of a brothel. Dirty money lined her pockets. What would he think if he knew?

He opened his mouth and then paused as if wanting to say something and thinking better of it. "Okay, then. I'll get with the crew. See you later."

Gabe turned as if to walk away and then spun around, facing her once more. "Actually, I have a question."

"Not about going to church again, I hope." She stiffened as a flush crept to his cheeks, causing her to regret her unkind tone.

"Not exactly." He took a deep breath as if dreading the task before him. "You see, I need a date for a fancy dinner. It's a fundraiser."

Dee stood, stepping away from her chair. Was this some kind of twisted joke? There was no way she was going out with a preacher. He might have some kind of spiritual ESP that would tip him off as to what she really was. It might tell him all the dark secrets from her past.

He'd rendered her speechless. What if someone who knew her from Nevada saw them together? What would the town folk think? They'd all been so nice to her, treated her with respect, like she was a normal woman. "I-I'm sorry. I really can't."

"Listen, the little old ladies around here have been trying to marry me off for years and now that I'm thirty, they're working double time. I'd hate to ask a local girl and get them stirred up again. They'd be planning my wedding in no time."

Dee's heart responded with a little happy dance. Wasn't this what she wanted, what she'd dreamed of? "Look, I only hired you to get this place into tip-top shape. Not for---"

"I know, but it's just for a few hours. Can't we go as friends?"
Dee swallowed, hoping to wet her dry throat. Friends. Male friends expected something more of her. Every time. Without exception. Had she really ever even had a male friend?

She glanced away from the pleading look in his eyes that slowly chipped away at her resolve. He was offering friendship, something she hadn't had since her roommate in Vegas had died of AIDS. Dee was so used to entertaining men that she wasn't sure if she could go out on a normal date, expecting nothing intimate to happen.

Before she knew what had happened, she'd breathed, "Okay," so quietly she was surprised she'd spoken aloud at all.

The wide smile that illuminated his face told her he'd heard her and it made him extremely happy. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that she was over two thousand miles from home. What were the chances of someone showing up who knew her?

When Gabe reached out and took her hands in between his own, her body sprung to a tense alertness. Every nerve on high alert, she shivered. Confused, she pulled her hands away and shoved them in her pockets.

"Thank you," he said. "You have no idea how much trouble the matchmaking has caused me. My greatest fear is that something like that will split the church. I could never live with myself if I'd caused it."

Dee wanted to tell him the truth, but she couldn't. His hanging out with a prostitute would most certainly destroy his church. She reminded herself once again that no one knew of her past.

Living in the small town had been nice. The people had treated her as their equal. Not judging. Not condemning. Not looking down their noses at her. They'd given her a sense of hope that maybe she could stay there and live a normal life.

Maybe she should go to church. Just once. Wasn't that what normal people did? "You take that religion stuff pretty seriously, don't you?"

She stepped away, placing some space between them before she acted on impulse and said something flirtatious. Dee reminded herself that this was not the place to play games. The preacher was off limits. Six months ago, before moving into the big house by the sea, she'd have taken on the challenge. But now, something had changed, something deep inside her she couldn't explain and wasn't even sure she liked.

He nodded, a satisfied glimmer in his eyes. "You should give religion a try."
She'd tried everything else and nothing had satisfied her. Her life consisted of sleepless nights, sometimes depression, and often remorse. Could religion overcome all that? Confused, she looked away. "Maybe someday."

"When you're ready, I'll be here," he said with a wink. "How long will you be in town?"

Dee studied the black wrought iron balcony that ran the length of the upper floor. "I really don't know. I'll be in and out for a while. If I grow tired of Carpe, I'll rent it or board it back up and move on."

"Just like that?"

"Like what?"

"You're saying you could take off and leave Carpe Diem?" He snapped his fingers, "Just like that?"

"I have nothing holding me here except the house."

"I'll never leave Treasure Bay. It's my home. I love the people, the ocean, everything here."

Dee smiled at his simplicity, finding it refreshing. "My real home is Vegas. The lights, the action, the city. It sometimes calls out to me at night. Sometimes I long for it so much, I ache." She cringed inwardly. Maybe she'd said too much.

"Ah, yes. Sin city. Been there. Bought the tee shirt. Wasn't impressed."

At least he had the guts to disagree with her. "It's not for everyone just like the laid back lifestyle here isn't. I miss Tilly." Gabe used his hat to swat at a fly and then returned it to his head. "She was such a strong Christian. She said that we have to seize the moment to witness because sometimes we only get one chance to tell someone about God. Did you know that she led me to the Lord?"

"Aunt Tilly? How'd she do that?"

"She prayed the sinner's prayer with me."

Dee looked away, uncomfortable with the direction of their conversation. "O-kay," Dee drug out the syllables, afraid that he'd launch into a full-fledged discussion about religion again and ask her if she'd ever prayed the prayer. As far as she was concerned, anyone who believed all that stuff about a loving God was crazy. If there was one, why did bad things happen? Why had she suffered at the hands of so many men?

Gabe removed his cell phone from the black leather case on his hip, glanced at it, and then shoved it back. "Tillie was a generous woman. She let us use the property for our youth rally every year. We've been camping on the beach for as long as I can remember."

"Just because she's gone doesn't mean that has to end. Use it any time you like." Dee would never deny children the right to grow up happy and carefree. She'd never deny them the chance she'd never had. "Carpe Diem is at your disposal. There's only one condition."

"What's that?"

"Everything's on me. Anything you need, I'll pay for."

"Seriously?"

"You have the charge card I gave you for the building materials. Just charge it to that account. The kids deserve it."

Gabe's eyes glistened. "You don't know how much your generosity means. Some of the kids come from the inner city and never get to do anything like this. My church members sponsor a few, but with the economy being what it is around here, we were going to have to turn some away this year."

"Now you don't. Bring them all. The more, the merrier." Hating a strong display of emotion from others, and sensing that he was getting ready to thank her profusely, Dee changed the subject before he became too sentimental. "So, when is this dinner you need me to attend?"

He glanced at his watch. "Tonight. I have to go. I'll pick you up at five o'clock." As if anticipating a rebuttal, he turned and quickly walked away, tossing over his shoulder, "See you then."

Dee stood rigid, her mouth open. He hadn't even given her the chance to decline his invitation. Before she'd recovered from shock, he'd climbed in his rusty blue pickup truck, leaving a cloud of dust behind him.

*****

Dee pulled another semi-formal dress from the garment bag in her closet. She'd brought three from her last trip home and wasn't even sure why she'd packed them. She held a red spaghetti-strapped sequined number up in front of her and sighed, tossing it into a crumpled heap on the floor. Too gaudy and definitely not appropriate for a date with a preacher. The plunging neckline made her look like a hooker and for the first time, that made her sick.

Her insides quivered as anxiety rolled over her. She took another sip out of a silver monogrammed flask, hoping to calm her nerves. Why was it so important that she look her best tonight? Gabe was just another man. Nobody special. That was what she told herself, but deep down inside she knew different.

Dee raised the flask to her lips once again, taking a large gulp and brushing away the dribble of whiskey that ran down her chin. Maybe coming to Carpe Diem had been a mistake. She should have put it on the market immediately.

She coughed. She didn't care for whiskey, but now out of vodka, she had to settle for the vintage bottle of whiskey she'd found tucked away in Uncle Ted's mahogany secretary. She grinned, wondering if Aunt Tilley had known it existed.
She peered into the antique mirror of her dressing table. What did Gabe see when he looked at her? Her body was perfection even though she wasn't too many years away from thirty. Most men loved to run their fingers through her long, dark hair. She studied her eyes. Not even the beginning of a crow's foot.

Gabe was interested all right. She could tell by the way he gazed at her when he thought she wasn't looking. She'd caught him appraising her, but not in the lustful way that most men looked at her. Somehow, his appreciative glances were different, clean, as if his intentions were respectful.

Trapped, that's what she was, imprisoned between the life she wanted and the life she'd created. Dee flung the flask across the room, watching in horror as it slid down the portrait of Aunt Tilly, its contents splashing onto her beautiful face. She rushed forward and wiped the liquid from the painting with the sleeve of her shirt. "I'm so sorry Aunt Tilly," she whispered and leaned back against the cool plastered wall and slid to the floor.

Dee clutched her stomach as a wave of nausea washed over her. So much for drinking whiskey on an empty stomach. She rushed to the bathroom and vomited, breathing a sigh of relief when it was over.

She had to get rid of Gabe before someone got hurt, but she was such a coward and hated herself. A brilliant plan came to mind. She'd give the preacher man a night he'd never forget, a night her clients paid dearly for, and hope that he felt guilty enough in the morning to walk out of her life forever. There would be no song and dance of the heart; it would be just another job. That she could handle.

Gabe might be a preacher, but he was also a man. And, no man had ever been able to resist her. Excitement surged through her as the plan came together in her mind. He'd hate her when it was over, but that was okay. Better he hate her now than later. If Mama Maggie had taught her anything, it was how to love 'em and leave 'em.

Twenty minutes later, her cell phone chirped as she stepped from the shower. Pulling on a soft robe and sliding across the tiled floor on wet feet, Dee laughed for the first time in what seemed like years. Maybe going out would be good for her.

She glanced at the screen, but didn't recognize the phone number. "Hello."
"Deedee, it's Mom.

Dee pictured her mother's face, bruised with a trickle of blood flowing from a split lip, an unwanted souvenir from yet another abusive boyfriend. Where had that come from?

"Maggie, you know you're not supposed to use the phone at the treatment center. You're supposed to be concentrating on getting better." All she needed was for her mother to call while she was with Gabe. "How'd you get access to a phone anyway?"

"Don't call me Maggie. Call me Mom."

"Okay, Mom," Dee said, stuttering over the word. What had made Maggie so motherly today?

"I want out of here, Deedee." Her voice was vulnerable and strangely child-like.

"Maggie---uh, Mom, we've gone over this a dozen times. You have to stay."

"I'm coming there. Tillie should have left that house to me anyway."

Dee sighed. "But, she left it to me."

"I know, but she was my sister. You only saw her once, for pity's sake. That house should be mine."

"Just get through rehab. We'll talk about this later." Maybe she should just give her the house. Glancing around her, she realized she couldn't part with it. Carpe Diem had wrangled its way into her heart.

"Book me a flight. Now."

Dee squirmed. When her mother became demanding, she usually got her way or something bad happened. "Be reasonable. You break probation and you'll be in a lot of trouble. You know how much you hate jail."

"I don't like it here. Might as well be in jail."

Dee struggled to control her emotions. Part of her wanted to throttle her mother. "It's a nice place, Mom. It cost a lot of money, so try and make it work."

"I don't like it here."

Dee could almost see her, arms crossed, pouting like a child. "You'll be out of there in no time."

"Not quick enough. Don't be surprised if I show up at your door," Maggie muttered. "So, how's the business?"

"I'm sure Peaches is doing a good job managing it. She won't let us down."

"She'd better not. The customers expect everything to run smoothly."

"Tell me something I don't already know." Dee inspected her nails. She needed a manicure. "Since you have a phone, you call her."

"I'm getting tired of you breezing in and out of town. Your not being there makes me nervous. When are you going back?"

Dee glanced at the clock. Now wasn't the time to tell her that she was considering leaving the business. Permanently. "Listen, Maggie. I have to go. I'll try to get out there as soon as I can. I've had a lot going on right now with the house and everything."

"You're going out with that preacher, aren't you?"

Dee almost dropped the phone. How could she possibly know? "What did you say?"
"I know when you're up to something. I can feel it. We're like too peas in a pod, you and me. We're just alike."

A wave of disgust washed over Dee. She didn't want to be like her mother, a woman who would sell her only daughter for a nicer home, a nicer car, a richer man. She didn't want to be like the high class call girls at the brothel either. Not anymore.

Dee's stomach rolled and cramped when she thought of her mother coming there and exposing her. Gabe thought Maggie was dead. One thing was for sure, she had to do whatever it took to keep her away from him even if that meant leaving town unexpectedly.

Suddenly, the air seemed too close, stifling. The walls appeared to move inward, stealing her breath. Dee uncrossed her legs from her spot on the bed, hoping to still the knee with the nervous jerk. She had to pull herself together or she'd throw up again. "Listen. I have to go."

Her mother's voice broke. "But, I wanna be with you." Maggie's voice had a faraway, dreamy tinge to it. "At least tell me about that preacher man."

"He's just a carpenter who's working on the house," Dee said, realizing that she was as giddy as a teenager thinking about her first crush and wishing she'd never told her mother about him. "Now, I really have to get off the phone."

"Deedee, let me get in one more word before you hang up. Take my advice. You stay away from that preacher. No good can come of that."

"I'm not thirteen anymore."
"He could never fit into our lifestyle. Preachers think what we do is sin. They say we'll burn in hell fire forever. No, he won't approve. Not if he's the real deal. You listen to your mother."

Dee squirmed, all the talk about hell fire making her uncomfortable. "Bye."
"Bye, Delilah."

Dee cringed. There was something about her name she didn't like. She'd heard it came from the Bible, but her mother had avoided religious people and she'd never known anyone who knew enough about the Bible to ask. She'd ask Gabe. He'd know about the Delilah of the Bible.

Dee pinned her hair up and applied moisturizer to her face. Men had paid a mint through the years to have her company for the night, much more for the weekend. She had to admit, she'd enjoyed the power she had over them. A few very select and extremely wealthy clients had kept her in designer brands, jewels, and sports cars not to mention that she'd saved enough money to retire if she wanted.

Dee let her hair down and brushed with long, hard strokes, ignoring the pain when she hit a tangle. A war raged within her. Her job, her life, and her mother were smothering her. And, so was Gabe.

There was deep chasm somewhere in the recesses of her soul that nothing could fill. Alcohol and drugs brought only temporary, but fleeting relief. Looking into the eyes of a man she'd satisfied accomplished the same, until she gazed in the mirror and saw a sad woman staring back who was empty inside and just wanted a normal life and someone to love her.

Dee brushed her hair harder, the brush digging into her scalp until she winced in pain. Maggie had robbed her of childhood experiences like slumber parties, ball games, and dances. As long as her stepfather channeled money into the proper places, no questions were asked even though she was probably the only home-schooled child in the county. Could she ever forgive her mother for ignoring what was going on right under her nose?

Dee forced herself to bury those thoughts back into the dark recesses of her psyche and pulled her robe a little tighter. Her eyes lingered on the pink monogram of an elegant cat with the words The Feline Fantasy embroidered underneath in black. She questioned her place in the business. In the ten years since her stepfather's death, she'd made her mother a mint. She sighed, knowing full well that Maggie wouldn't allow her to leave without a fight.

John had given Maggie fifty-one percent ownership and Dee forty-nine upon his death. Did the sick-o think it would make up for what he'd done to her? Did she even want his money anymore? Maybe she could donate it to a worthy cause.
Glancing at her reflection in the mirror, Dee raised an eyebrow at the thought. She brushed her teeth and gargled with mouthwash three times, hoping to remove all traces of alcohol from her breath. It wouldn't do for the preacher to suspect that she had a nasty little habit.

Dee smiled when she thought about Gabe. He'd never be able to resist her. She'd go to that fancy dinner with him tonight, seduce him afterwards, and then write him off forever. That was the only way she'd survive the stirring in her heart. She'd tamp it down. Snuff it out. Do whatever it took to extinguish it.

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