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If You're Gone

By Brittany Goodwin

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HE DIDN’T COME HOME LAST NIGHT.
My heart pounded as I replayed the message a second time. After waking up to my buzzing phone signaling four missed calls and a voicemail marked urgent, I expected to hear juicy gossip from Jason Hamilton’s graduation party. Instead, I learned that my boyfriend was nowhere to be found.
“Brad said the two of you had plans after the ceremony, was he headed somewhere after he dropped you off at home? I know it’s early, but call me back as soon as you get this.”
“He isn’t with me,” I assured Brad’s mom when I returned her calls. “But please let me know when you hear from him.”
“I will,” Mrs. Lee promised before hanging up. “And you do the same.”
She wasn’t as frantic as her message had let on, but there was an unsettling tone in her voice. We both knew it wasn’t typical of Brad to stay out all night without telling anyone. Not anymore, anyway.
My mind wandered back to the Lions Port High graduation ceremony the night before—squished next to my best friend, Anna Redmond, in the packed football stadium watching Brad accept his diploma. It had been a perfect North Carolina evening; complete with a romantic, lakeside picnic that Brad and I shared once he was able to shed his cap and gown.
I snatched my cell phone off my lap and dialed the number that had lived at the top of my ‘favorite contacts’ list for the past six months. Please Lord, I prayed silently, let him answer.
“Hi.” I heard the deep voice on the other end and opened my mouth to speak. “You’ve reached Brad Lee. Leave a message.”
His outbound greeting sounded cold and unfriendly, which made me realize I had never gotten his voicemail; he always answered the phone when I called.
“Hey babe, it’s Lillian,” I said after the tone, clutching his silver class ring that hung on a chain around my neck. “Your mom has been calling me trying to find you. Is everything all right? Let me know where you are, okay?”
Suddenly, I remembered a detail from the night before and felt a rush of panic. I pictured Brad tapping on my bedroom window and saying those three little words for the first time. The words I had been dying to hear. Does he regret his decision to profess his love to me? Could that explain the radio silence?
I unlocked the screen of my phone again, this time dialing Anna. My thumb drummed anxiously against the back of the plastic case as it rang.
“Hello?” Anna’s usually chipper voice sounded muffled over the line, assumedly lying in her bed with the phone sandwiched between her head and her leopard-print pillow.
“Sorry, were you asleep?”
“It’s the first day of summer and it’s only nine am,” she groaned. “Do I need to remind you how to send a text?”
“I’m sorry,” I lied. “But you’re the one who sleeps with your cell.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she spoke clearer this time, although her tone dripped with sarcasm. “I didn't need my beauty sleep anyway.”
I scoffed, but I knew she had expected me to laugh. Anna, arguably the most beautiful girl in our junior class, could look runway ready after cramming all night for a test and skipping a shower.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Anna was a true best friend—she could read my emotions even through a subtle grunt.
“Maybe…” I sighed. “Can you come over?”
“Will there be coffee?”
“I’m sure I can scrounge something up.”
“You owe me,” she laughed.
“I know. Bye.” I pressed end and clutched the warm phone in my hand as I attempted to sort through my thoughts, reliving every detail from the previous night. The ceremony. The picnic. The lake. The window.

****
From my spot on the bleachers I could see the entire senior class, seated in straight rows of plastic folding chairs and dressed in traditional sets of black caps and gowns. Strands of my long, auburn hair danced in the warm May breeze as I sat with my elbows rested on my knees. My attention was split between the football field and my friends beside me.
“That will be us next year, guys!” Anna shouted over the sounds of the stadium. She motioned towards the robed graduates, keeping her fingers interlaced between those of her eight-month serious boyfriend–the tall, dark, and handsome captain of the basketball team, Thomas Grant.
“Only if you don’t fail out of AP Chemistry,” Thomas said with a laugh.
“Says the jock who signed up for drama and wood shop!” Anna nuzzled her face into his neck before nudging me with her elbow. “Lillian, he’s next!”
“I see him!” I exclaimed, staring straight ahead. It was impossible to tear my eyes away from him.
“Bradley Jeremiah Lee.” Principal Carver’s voice echoed over the loudspeaker.
Brad emerged from the sea of graduates, strutting towards the podium in his cap and gown like a slow motion scene from those nineties teen movies I loved to watch. His tousled blond hair fell into his blue eyes as cheers from the crowd provided a soundtrack for his moment in the spotlight. When he flipped his head to toss the strands back into place his gaze met mine. Even in a packed stadium he could find me.
My face lit up with a giant, ear-to-ear grin as he continued to travel down the aisle, the corners of my mouth practically bursting through the apples of my cheeks. I gave him a small nod and watched him take the first step onto the stage. The crowd around me roared as he accepted his diploma, but I was still. Before Brad, I had never known what it was like to be so captivated by someone that just seeing them glance in your direction could take your breath away. But then, before Brad I had never felt as though I needed someone else just to breathe. There were days I couldn’t believe that he was mine—not because of his chiseled jaw and heart-stopping smile, but because he was the most incredible guy I had ever met.
He hadn’t always been that way, though. For years, I had avoided him and the group of delinquents he ran around our small town with like the plague. But after a chance encounter six months earlier, I realized that behind his tough exterior was a kind, sincere soul desperate to break away from the friends who were holding him back. And he chose me to help him do that.
“Okay, Lil, you can wipe your drool now. You are literally going to make me throw up. All over you, all over the crowd, everywhere.” Anna shook her head and smiled.
“Please don’t.”
“Then lean in!” She held her cell phone in front of her face and motioned Thomas and me together with one hand. “It’s officially summer, kids!” We all squeezed in next to each other, pursing our lips and turning our best angles towards the camera. It was a moment worth capturing.
****
Once the ceremony ended I rushed onto the field with Anna and Thomas in tow, eager to find Brad amongst the sea of robed seniors.
“Lillian! Anna!” a high-pitched voice called out.
I turned to see Mandy Parton, who insisted she was a distant relative of the big-busted country singer with the same last name, teetering towards us in platform heels. She waved hysterically as her blonde curls bounced against her bare shoulders. Her friend and sidekick Tess Samuels followed, her dark skin looked flawless against her off-white dress.
“Hey guys, there you are!” Tess exclaimed, flipping her raven colored hair behind her shoulder. “Where were you sitting?”
“Front row. Someone wanted a good view,” Anna joked, reaching out to hug them.
“They should have had you sing at this shindig, Lil,” Mandy said. “Two hours with no music was brutal.”
“Maybe next year,” I said with a smile. “I got accepted into Honors Choir!”
“Shut up!” Mandy poked my shoulder. “At least someone from this wretched little town might end up famous!”
I laughed as two warm hands reached around my face and covered my eyes. I would have recognized the fresh, light scent of his cologne anywhere.
“I missed you,” Brad whispered into my ear.
“Hey!” I spun around and fell into his arms. My cheek pressed up against his collarbone as he wrapped me in his signature bear hug. “I missed you too.” It sounded cliché, but I missed him when we were apart, no matter how short the time.
“You are a vision,” he said as he reached for my hands, looking me up and down. “I'm so glad that's over.”
“It was great!” I exclaimed. “The best walking I've seen in a while.” My toothy grin was growing again.
“Yeah, the dress suits you, too,” Thomas snickered, pointing at Brad’s shin-length black gown.
“I’ll let you try it on later,” Brad told him with a smirk as they bumped fists. Just as Brad turned back towards me, a tattooed hand clutched his shoulder.
“Jason’s grad party. See you there.”
High school drop out Michael Lizardo, appropriately known to his friends and enemies as Lizard, appeared behind us, staring at Brad with bloodshot eyes. He was hardly dressed for the occasion in a pair of ripped jeans and a faded black band t-shirt.
“Lizard, don’t you actually have to graduate to go to a grad party?” Thomas grunted.
“Hey, screw you, pretty boy.” Lizard bowed his chest and pulled his elbows back, like a rooster trying to pick a fight. Thomas threw up his hands, laughing as Brad re-positioned himself between them.
“What?” Lizard cocked his head. “You think that’s funny?”
“It was a joke, man,” Thomas said from behind Brad’s shoulder.
Anna and I exchanged a knowing glance. Brad’s decision to be with me put him in a constant state of in-between, somewhere between a past life and a future one.
“I’m not coming tonight, all right? We have plans.” Brad motioned towards me and I hung on the words ‘I’m not coming’ instead of ‘I can’t’ since it made it sound like it was all his decision.
“Well, I’ve got some information you’re gonna want,” Lizard told him.
“Can it wait?”
Lizard shrugged his shoulders and shot me a hateful glance I hoped he would quickly break, but his eyes lingered. He cocked his head to the side as he stared at me, sending shivers up my spine. “Hope she’s worth it.”
Brad took another step towards him. “Hey, watch it…”
“Whatever, man. Don’t come crying to me when you get sick of your new Sunday school friends.” Lizard turned and offered one last shrewd look at us before he disappeared into the crowd. I realized my heart was racing.
“Always a pleasure, that one,” Anna grumbled.
“I’m sorry,” Brad said as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Don’t worry about him.” He let out a soft sigh but I couldn’t read the intention behind it.
“It’s okay. Did you want to find your parents?” I changed the subject, willing my pulse to slow, and looked up at him as I gave him a nudge. “I’m sure they want to get photos.”
He responded only with a nod.
“We’ll be hanging out at Thomas’s later if you decide to come by,” Anna reminded me.
“Sounds good.”
“Bye, guys. Thanks for coming, I mean it.”
Brad grabbed my hand and led me behind him through the crowd that had descended upon the football field, my fingers melting in-between his. We weaved in and out of groups of people, every few seconds he would turn to make sure I was still behind him, as though his grip on my hand wasn’t enough. Don’t worry. I won't let go. Ever, I wanted to say. But instead I smiled at him with soft eyes, hoping he already knew.
****
After photo sessions and endless smiles, Brad and I retreated to one of our favorite spots—a secluded, grassy nook in Grissom Park beside a small lake. A crocheted blanket I brought from home lay beneath us as we feasted on the bucket of fried chicken we picked up on the way. The moon lit up the water like a giant spotlight illuminating our picnic.
Brad swallowed a mouthful of chicken and shook a greasy drumstick at me. “Now that school’s out and I’m picking up more hours at the hardware store, I’m thinking it’s about time I took you out on a nice, fancy date.”
I laughed, covering my mouth with my hand in case any meat had found its way in between my teeth. “Oh yeah? Fancy date, huh?”
“Real fancy,” he put on a thick southern drawl, much unlike his usual deep timbre. “I mean, I’m talking dinner, movie, and… wait for it… ice cream afterward.”
“Wow honey,” I mimicked his accent. “That sure is fancy!”
“Hey, just wait.” He moved closer on the blanket and lowered his voice, tossing his bare drumstick into the bucket. “I might even wear khakis.”
“Yeah, right,” I laughed. “I won’t count on it.”
I wiped my fingers on a napkin and stood up, ambling backward towards the lake as I smiled at him. I didn’t have to ask him to follow me; my eyes did the talking and in an instant he was next to me. His arm wrapped around my hip, pulling me close as we continued down to the water. We stopped at the edge of the grass and I leaned against him, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath as I watched the moonbeams danced across the water. Crickets chirped in the distance. I couldn’t remember ever experiencing a moment that was so perfect.
“You saved my life, Lillian,” he whispered.
I stared into his eyes; they looked a deeper shade of blue than I had ever seen. “I didn’t do anything.”
Brad turned his body towards mine, using his hand on my back to pull me into him until we were face to face. Goosebumps raised on my arms as the tip of his nose brushed against my forehead.
“No, Lillian, you have no idea. Without you, I’d be messed up at that crazy graduation party with Lizard. Before you, before us, I wasted so much time on things that didn’t matter.”
I bashfully looked away and gazed out over the water.
“But instead…” he continued. “I’m here. With you. And it’s perfect.”
I smiled to myself and looked back at him. “It is perfect, isn’t it?” Moments with Brad had been perfect since the first kiss we shared, sitting on my living room floor in front of a blazing fire.
Without a word he swept me off the ground, leaving my legs dangling over the lake as he swung his arms, pretending to toss me into the water. “Brad!” I shrieked. “Don’t even think about it.”
He let out an evil laugh and spun me around, my toes clinging to my jeweled flip-flops. My shrill tones varied from screams to laughter as he carried me across the grass. Aside from Anna, Brad was the only person who could make me laugh until my eyes watered and my sides hurt, struggling to catch my breath between giggles. Our voices echoed across the park, breaking the otherwise serene silence, but it didn’t matter. It was perfect.
****
We enjoyed a moonlit wade in the lake, then wrapped the remains of our picnic into the blanket and headed towards my father’s car, which he had loaned me for the evening.
“I hope riding around in your dad’s sedan isn’t ruining you for my truck,” Brad said with a smile.
“Nope.” I shook my head. “I love your truck.”
I handed Brad the keys, and he held the passenger door for me as I climbed inside, slipping a towel onto the bucket seat to protect the leather from my wet skin. We spent most of the drive in silence as I watched the little red numbers change on the LED clock, knowing we would be hard pressed to make my ten o’clock curfew.
“I hope I hear you through the speakers one day,” Brad said over the ballad that played softly on the radio. “You’re a better singer than half these people.”
“Only half, huh?”
“You know what I mean,” he said with a grin, reaching across the seat to squeeze my hand. “I’m your biggest fan.”
I laced my fingers between his and smiled to myself. “You’re sweet.”
“Hey, you’re going to be late if we go to my house first,” he told me, with a nod towards the clock. “I’ll take you home and then I can walk from there.”
Brad’s home was less than a mile from my own, a few blocks up the quiet street where both Anna and I lived, in a newly developed neighborhood stacked with prestigious two-story homes.
“Are you sure? It’s so dark out,” I said, gazing out the window at the black sky full of twinkling stars.
“You worry about me too much,” he laughed and took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance at me.
That’s because I care so much about you, I wanted to say, although ‘care’ wasn't a strong enough word. But I held my tongue and grinned at him. I wondered if he knew what I was thinking.
He parked Dad’s car in its usual spot, beneath a tall evergreen tree in our driveway. 9:58 pm blinked on the clock as he turned off the humming engine. Brad opened my door for me and we walked hand in hand up the sidewalk to the front door. The house was dark except for the small porch light that had attracted dozens of tiny, white moths. Open fields filled with fireflies enveloped the brick ranch home—our own little piece of paradise, as my mother had referred to it since I was young.
“I had a great time with you tonight,” Brad said as we climbed the steps.
“Me too.” I ran my fingers up his forearm. “Will you text me and tell me you got home okay?”
He smiled. “My phone’s dead. But don’t worry. I’ll look twice before I cross the street.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes.
“I’ll call you tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at seven for the movies, okay?”
“Sounds great,” I said. “I’ll even let you decide what we see.”
“Don’t tease me,” Brad said with a laugh, jabbing at my hip bone. We shared a love for movies in every genre, but he always let me have the final say in film selection.
“I mean it! There are several romantic comedies you can choose between.”
“You’re lucky you’re so cute.” He grinned. “I’ll get the truck cleaned up in the morning. Thanks for the perfect night.”
There was that word again. “My pleasure.”
He pulled me towards him and we shared a quick goodnight kiss; it was simple with closed lips in case a family member peered through the peephole.
“Lillian?” Brad said as his lips left mine, still holding my face in his hands.
“Yeah?” I whispered. I held my breath, hoping this moment might be the one I had been longing for.
He opened his mouth to speak but then shook his head. “Never mind.”
“Are you okay?”
“Never been better.” He smiled before planting a wet smack on my cheek. “Good night.”
I slipped my key into the lock and waved to him as he descended the steps.
“Good night!” I called out, grinning. I realized it didn’t matter he hadn’t said the words. They were written all over his face.
Inside the entryway, I eased the door shut behind me, using care to click the latch quietly into place. To my right was the living room, where I had expected to see my parents; Mom’s face in a book nestled under the reading lamp, worn out from a long day on her feet at the department store where she worked, while Dad came in and out of sleep in front of the television, still dressed in his business shirt and tie. But, like the foyer, it was dark. It seemed that Brad’s graduation night came with a special privilege—not being nagged about what we did and where we ate and who was there. The usual grilling.
I felt my way down the hall to my bedroom, letting my fingers drag the chair rail as I took long, light-footed strides. I passed the closed doors that led into my little brother and sister’s rooms. Silence. Ages ten and eight, Graham and Eliza had likely been asleep for hours. Light from the television danced under my parents’ door but there were no sounds of movement inside. It was eerily quiet, a rare instance in the White household.
Behind my bedroom door, I took a deep breath as I retrieved the oversized t-shirt that Brad had given me weeks ago. Even though I had worn it every night it still smelled like him—sexy with a hint of citrus. His ring felt cool against my chest as I changed.
I turned off the light and rushed across the cool wood floor, pulling the chain on my bedside lamp as I scurried under the comforter. Once I was nestled beneath the covers I reached for the paperback novel on my nightstand and flipped it open to a dog-eared page, but it was impossible to focus on the words in front of me. I didn’t need to read a fictional boy-meets-girl story when Brad’s goodbye kiss was lingering on my lips. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine him next to me, but just as I began to picture his blue eyes a tree branch snapped outside my window.
The little hairs on my arm stood up as I remembered the odd silence in the house, the dark rooms showing no signs of life. Crack. There it was again. My toes curled under the covers. I returned the book to my nightstand and waited, holding my breath as I listened. My oversized window faced the backside of an overgrown pine tree in the front of our house. For the past several years my Dad had planned to hire professionals to trim the monstrous tree, but for now it remained a thick, bushy giant that towered above my bedroom in our one story home. I usually didn’t mind, it still let in light between its branches and made a nice curtain. But tonight the limbs of the tree seemed to reach around my room like thick fingers in the darkness.
Crack. Another sound from outside pierced through the silence, interrupting my thoughts.
“Lillian?” A muffled voice called out my name.
Had I imagined it? I tossed the blanket from my legs, gnawing on my lower lip as I moved towards the window. Grabbing the bottom of the sill, I gritted my teeth as I thrust upwards to open the pane. A cool breeze hit my face and I backed away, squinting while I peered into the darkness. The sound of the crickets filled my room and echoed off the classic movie posters on the walls.
“Lillian?” The voice was clearer this time.
“Hello?” My eyes darted between the tree branches.
“Boo!” Brad exclaimed as he jumped from the ground. I let out a shrill squeal.
“Shh! Someone will hear you,” he whispered, placing a finger against his lips.
“You scared me to death,” I said, an unavoidable smile growing on my face. “What are you doing back here?”
“I’m sorry. I need to tell you something. It’s important.” He leaned in towards the window and reached for my hand as I knelt on the floor to be on his level.
“Brad, what is it?”
“You don’t have to say anything.” His blue eyes caught the light from my bedroom, shining like piercing stars in the darkness. “But I need you to know.”
My chest became heavy as if all of my breath was leaving my body. This was it. The moment I had been hoping for since his lips first met mine six months earlier.
“Lillian… I love you.”
The declaration hung in the evening air like lyrics to a beautiful song. I could never have imagined that hearing the words coming from his mouth would sound so natural, so right.
“I love you,” he said again, this time less nervous but just as sincere. “So much. Good night!”
As he turned away I realized I hadn’t answered him. I had been too busy staring into his eyes.
“Brad! Wait!” I shouted in a voice only slightly louder than a whisper. He rushed back to the window as the words flew off my tongue. “I love you, too!”
We leaned toward each other and our lips met. Somehow, the kiss was different from the hundreds we had shared before. It was more official. More permanent. When we broke apart he stroked my cheeks with his hands, holding my face close to his.
“I’ll see you soon, Lil. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I echoed. “Good night.”
Brad pulled away from our embrace and smiled, offering a quick wink before turning to leave. Sitting on my knees and hugging the window frame, I watched as he disappeared into the darkness. He was gone.

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