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Outside of Grace

By Anna Daugherty

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Standing on the stage, eyes forced closed in prayer, Ava could sense the weight of 200 people in front of her—surely a few were peeking. Her dad had prayed for her on this stage before, for mission trips and graduate blessings. This was the first time she stood alone, though. College students studying abroad were not typically the congregation’s concern, but what happened to the Sanford family happened to the entire church.
A row of hot, yellow lights hit her as she tried not to fidget. The middle school auditorium where they met was stuffy, the heaters blowing against the January chill outside. Ava tried to focus on his words. “—That she would be a light to all.”
The moment he finished the prayer, her eyes flicked open. Probably too soon. She should have waited so nobody would think she had her eyes open during the prayer. Risking a quick look at the college group, she caught Jack’s blue eyes wrinkling in a smirk—no doubt at her embarrassment.
Well-wishers congregated before she could move away. They all knew her, at least as the pastor’s kid, if nothing else. The Newtons were first, then an assortment of family friends, offering kind words and handshakes like she was a missionary heading to a war-torn country rather than a student going to Scotland for a semester.
When the area finally cleared out, Ava headed to the back of the auditorium. The other students stood outside the doors, debating where to go for lunch. Talia caught sight of her and started a slow clap as Ava approached. A few others joined in with a whistle or cheer. Ava complied with a bow.
“Our international hero,” Jack said with a sweeping motion in her direction.
“Stop.” Ava kicked at his shoe. “It was all I could do to keep him from having everybody lay hands on me.”
Talia stepped into the middle of the circle to hug Ava, perfectly straight black hair swinging above her shoulders. “It was adorable, mija. We’re excited for you.”
Others joined in, noting their jealousy or sharing their own study abroad stories. For once, she could almost imagine being a normal college student, and not the still-living-at-home pastor’s kid. When she caught Jack’s eyes rolling, she waved off the comments and redirected the conversation back to lunch.
“Your pick,” Talia said. “It’s your last good American lunch.”
“Cracker Barrel?” Ava suggested. Everybody except Talia groaned. Ava raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Anywhere with mac and cheese is fine with me.”
“Nope, you heard the woman,” Talia said. Her best friend since childhood always came to her defense. “It’s her last lunch with us. Stop complaining.”
“That sounds pretty fatalistic. You know I plan on coming back, right?”
Talia patted her head like a mother. “It won’t be the same. You’ll finally be a grownup.”
Ava laughed and pulled away from her. “You’ll lose your ride with comments like that.”
“No, I won’t.” Talia looped her arm through Ava’s. She could never lose her ride.
When they arrived at the restaurant, they pressed two round tables together in an awkward figure eight. It was a small group today—most of the students were still gone on winter break. The students left behind were a hodgepodge; either working students, international students, or locals who never left, like Ava.
“Everybody else here is getting the senior discount, Aves,” Jack said as they sat.
Ava shushed him and elbowed his side. “We represent Grace. Be nice.”
Her parents had drilled it into her head from birth. She represented the church, and she had to do it well. When she entered college with the name Sanford, she was the assumed leader of the group. Her last name was a birthright and a responsibility.
Conversation flowed rapidly around the table, breaking off into rivulets and rejoining again. Ava let it wash over her. It was the last time she would see this particular group. When she returned to Ridley Bay in five months, some would have graduated, others left for the summer. There would be new students too, new faces. They would have all moved through an entire semester without her. Sentimentality threatened to ruin her last lunch; Ava forced herself back into the conversation as Talia retold the story of her uncle’s Great Dane ruining Christmas.
Eventually, the checks were passed around and takeaway boxes were packed. The guys at the table sat back, rubbing their stomachs like Thanksgiving afternoon, while the girls picked at the cornbread. Talia left first, catching a ride to a babysitting job that afternoon. The rest slowly disbanded. Ava sat rooted in place, not willing to see it end. Eventually, Jack and Ava were the only ones remaining.
“You gonna stay here the rest of the day?” Jack asked.
“I don’t want it to end.”
“Nobody’s making you go.”
Ava laughed. “That’s not helpful. You’re supposed to tell me to go. Tease me for still living with my parents. Didn’t you say I should leave home?”
“I didn’t mean across the Atlantic.” Jack’s shoulders fell.
“Why is everybody talking like I’m never coming back?” Ava asked with a laugh.
He flicked a butter packet at her. “We’re just happy we can finally act like heathens without our walking conscience here.”
“No way. I’m passing the baton to you.”
His laugh was genuine and contagious, and it always made Ava smile. “Then we’re a lost cause.”
“You might be.”
She followed him to the front, and they meandered through the restaurant’s old-fashioned store on their way out. When Jack made a joke about a ridiculous hat in the front window, she let it slide, ignoring the instinct to hush him. She should have practiced this sooner—loosening her grip, sinking into the background. But she needed them as much as they needed her.
The coastal wind beat against the door, resisting their exit. Ava crossed her arms tightly as they stepped outside. The wind whipped her hair from barely contained waves into a long, tangled, brown mess. Jack was apparently unaffected by the wind that flapped through his blue plaid button up.
They reached her car, and he leaned against it. “Coffee before group on Wednesday?”
“I’m not sure I’ll make it,” Ava said, stalling. It had been their weekly routine for over a year. If today was hard, coffee with Jack would crush her. “I fly out on Thursday. I might need to pack.”
“Don’t skip your last small group because you’re afraid of crying. Go out swinging, Aves.”
“It’s not even a real Bible study, it’s just the meet and greet. Won’t people think it’s weird or rude if I show up for that and I’m not actually joining?”
“You’ve always been part of the group. Besides, who cares what people think?” Jack shoved his hands in his pockets.
Me. I care. “Maybe… If I’m packed and everything.”
“You will be. Or else I’m coming over and packing for you.”
Ava grinned. “I actually believe you. Fine, coffee at five.”
“Good. I’ll see you later.” With a wave over his shoulder, he strode off to his truck. Some goodbye.
Ava sank into the driver’s seat of her beat up sedan. It was really ending. Everything she had ever known. Despite the sense of loss, it was time. Everything here was not enough. There had to be more. Whatever more there was, Ava knew it was in Scotland.
* * *
She parked on the street in front of the white house that had been home for twelve years. The farmhouse-style structure with black shutters, plopped in the middle of a suburb, begged to be surrounded by acres of freedom. The window at the top right was hers.
After a quick hello to her parents, Ava headed upstairs to pack. Four days gave her plenty of time to pack, but she needed the activity now, to keep her mind busy, to balance the goodbyes with excitement.
A matching set of green suitcases, a Christmas gift from her parents, waited to be filled. One was a carry-on, the other a behemoth, promising to hold her entire life for a semester. She had packed for mission trips and vacations before, but nothing longer than a week or two at most. This was more like moving.
She looked around her room, layered with evidence of many stages of life, her value system shifting. The books meticulously arranged into a rainbow were meaningless now, while the small porcelain angel sitting on top of the bookcase suddenly seemed priceless, chipped wing and all. It had been a baptism gift from her dad. Ava picked up the angel as she continued pacing the room, reevaluating everything in it. “He will command his angels concerning you.”1
“Can I come in?” her dad called from the hallway as he walked towards Ava’s room. The door was already open.
“Sure.” Ava set the angel down, but not before her dad saw it.
Turning it over, he examined the jagged wing. “I remember when Ezra broke this.”
“Me too.”
“You were so mad. We had to convince you that your brother was worth keeping.”
Ava smiled. “Yeah, I wanted to trade a brother for a new angel, but you refused the deal.”
“We learned a few things about grace that day.” He looked around the room as he lowered the angel. “It’ll be strange not having you here.”
Ava nodded and sat on the foot of the bed. The oldest of three Sanford kids, she was the first to fly the nest. A sophomore in Grace Church’s college ministry, she was the last. She would turn 20 this semester and even students younger than her were living on their own. Life was moving on without her. Time to catch up.
“It’ll be good though.” Her dad sat next to her. “You’ll get to experience new things. And focus on school for a bit, without worrying about church and your crazy brothers for once.”
Ava laughed. “I’m sure I’ll still worry about it all.”
“I’m proud of you, Avie.” He draped an arm over her shoulders. “The semester’s going to fly by.”
“Are you trying to convince yourself or me?”
“Both.” He smiled and stood, crossing to the door again. “Your mom’s making spaghetti for dinner, if you want to join.”
“Thanks, dad. I will.” The smell of roasted garlic and tomatoes was already making its way upstairs. Routines like dinner were mandatory for her siblings, but when she started college, they became optional for Ava. Her parents let her have as much space and freedom as possible while living in their house. It was never quite enough.
Alone again, Ava ran a hand over the angel one last time. Childish mementos had no place in a college dorm room. She took a few pictures down from the wall instead and carefully tucked them between the pages of her Bible. With the suitcase half full, she snapped a picture and sent it to Jack as proof of effort. She was ready.

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