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Despair

By Colleen K. Snyder

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TUESDAY
Erin stared at the computer screen. The family tree, traced by DNA, branched and flowered and twisted. He knew the limbs, the assortments of aunts, uncles, cousins. He’d become familiar with the offshoots of grand-uncles and great-great-greats. All on his father’s side. But his mother’s side…
There had only been the name. Pulled from the marriage license found buried deep in a pile of papers hidden in a box of legal tax records yet to be disposed of. Felicity Meadows. Daughter of Catherine Peters and David Meadows. People Erin had no memories of. His mother passed when he and his twin sister Collin—Caitlin, at the time—were five.
But the marker…
The marker which indicated a DNA match on the maternal side. Erin had clicked on the link out of curiosity, thinking it might lead to some cousins or remaining aunts or uncles on his mother’s side.
But there it sat. A sibling. Three siblings. A half-sister. Two half-brothers on the maternal side. And the first birth date…seven years after he and Collin were born. After?? How is that even possible?
It had to be a mistake. Had to be. His mom died. He didn’t remember a funeral. Five years old? Who remembers something like that? Who takes a five-year-old to their mother’s funeral?
But the marker… The names…
Erin stared at the screen. Did he want to know? Did he really? Was he ready to find out how much more of his life had been built on a lie? How much more had been stolen from him and Collin? Our mother? Mom? We have a mom?
Two questions rattled in his brain. Where? And most important, Why?
* * *
Erin drove to the Farrell house and let himself in the back door. Quietly. In case the triplets were asleep.
Fat chance. One might be. Two at most. But all three together? No. Never happen. Erin slipped in through the kitchen, its counters a jumble of clean laundry waiting to be folded. Through the dining room, past the table loaded with boxes of diapers, empty (clean) bottles waiting to be filled. Finally, into the living room.
Right as always. Collin sat in her rocking chair, tiny Talitha draped across his sister’s shoulder. Collin had dressed in jeans and sloppy t-shirt. But that was as far as the self-improvement had gone. Her hair had been shoved into a clip and moved out of the way of clasping baby hands. Caleb and Joshua, the masculine two-thirds of the triplets, lay asleep on a blanket on the floor. Collin rocked and hummed and tried to put the littlest Farrell back to sleep. Or to sleep. Didn’t matter.
Erin slipped in and picked the infant up. He kept his voice low. “Give her to me. I have the touch.”
Collin leaned into her brother’s arm. “Yes, you do.”
Erin snuggled the little girl close to his chest and danced slowly around the room, crooning. The two-month-old (by “brought-home” date, not “birth-date,” as the two months in NICU didn’t count as “real” days) yawned and cooed and closed her eyes. Erin transferred her quietly and successfully to the playpen. He patted her tummy to make sure she settled, stood up, and smiled at Collin. He held his hands out wide. “It’s all in the moves, Cane. All in the moves.”
She shook her head at him. Erin walked over and kissed the top of her head. “You look terrible.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence, A-One. This motherhood gig is exhausting.”
“I believe it. Jeff asleep?”
“Yeah. He got up with them during the night, so I could sleep.” She leaned back in her chair. “You think the Lord will ever let us get them on a schedule we can all live with?”
“Probably. In about five years.”
“Thanks a lot. You’re a bundle of good news this morning.”
Erin walked into the kitchen. “You want coffee?”
“Pleeeeeeeeease.”
Erin chuckled and made a fresh pot. He guessed the last one had been made by Jeff during the night. No coffee filter. That’s our Jeffrey.
While he waited for the pot to finish, he straightened the countertops, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, folded a load of baby t-shirts sitting on the table, and generally made himself useful. As soon as the amber brew finished dripping, he filled two cups and carried them into the family room. He handed one to Collin and sat down across from her.
Collin sipped the brew and let out a satisfied but quiet aww of satisfaction. “No grounds. Thank you.”
“Maybe you should rethink the prohibition on single-serve makers. At least until they’re out of diapers.”
“If I have to chew through too many more cups of coffee, I might.” She leaned back in her chair. “Okay, baby brother, you’re not here to rescue me from my children. What’s going on?”
Erin stared into the cup. “I got a hit on Mom’s side of the family.”
Collin’s eyes lit up. “Really? This soon? I thought it would take longer, somehow.”
“Yeah, like never?” Erin considered his words. “It’s…it’s a ninety-nine percent match.”
“Wow. That’s good. Grandfather?”
“No.” Erin held Collin’s eyes. “Half-siblings.”
Collin stared at him. Her eyes widened, narrowed, widened, dropped, finally looked up at him. “You’re sure?”
“I’m sure the site is giving me those results. Two brothers and a sister. The oldest boy would have been born about seven years after we were. He’d be about twenty-two. Maybe twenty-three.”
Collin stared at her babies. “You know what that means?”
“I know a whole lot of things it means. Which one are you thinking of?”
“Let’s start with our mother may still be alive.” Collin cocked her head to look at her brother.
“Right. That’s the easy one.” Erin sipped his drink.
Collin’s eyes focused on something far away in her memory. “Then comes how and when and where and why and what do we do about it?”
“That’s pretty much what I came up with, yeah.”
Collin took a long drink from her mug. “Wow.”
“Yeah.” Erin stared at the floor.
They both fell silent, listening to the triplets breathe.
Collin rocked. “The babies could have grandparents. Not ones in prison—real grandparents.”
“And aunts and uncles who don’t hate them for being yours and mine.”
Collin cocked her head and looked at him. “Yours?”
“My blood. Not mine, mine. But related to me. You knew what I meant.” Erin scowled at his twin.
Collin smiled. “I know. I wanted to lighten the moment.”
“Did it, too.” Erin laughed.
Collin’s smile disappeared. “What do you want to do about this?”
“I want to contact them.” Erin leaned forward in the recliner. “I want to know all the answers to all the questions. I’m half afraid of what we’ll find, but after what we’ve already learned about our past...”
Collin shook her head. “Finding out your father and uncles murdered their father before we were born. And Grandmother put them up to it.”
“And hid the evidence so you would find it when you inherited everything…”
Collin held up her hand. “Stop. We’re not going to rehash the litany of wrongs the Winger side of the family has done to either of us. We’ve moved on.”
“Right. But now, we have a mother and a new past to deal with. And we’re back to square one.” Erin rocked in his chair.
“Did it give you an address? Like what state, maybe?”
“They’re here. In Ohio. I got that much from the site.”
Collin’s mouth dropped. “Here?” She closed her mouth, sat back, and rocked. After a moment, she whispered, “You think she knows us?”
“I don’t know, Cane. But I’m going to find out.”
“Find out what?” Jeff stumbled into the room, but quietly. “I smelled coffee. And it wasn’t mine.”
Erin chuckled. “Sit. I’ll get it.”
Jeff leaned over and kissed Collin. “Morning, milady.”
“Morning, sir.”
Erin carried the cup in for Jeff. “Here you go. No grounds.”
“Thank you. You need to move in here, bro, and help us keep this place going.” Jeff took a long drink. The man choked on the heat but swallowed it anyhow.
“Hard to impress a woman with a job title of ‘Manny.’”
Collin’s mouth crinkled. “I thought you were well beyond trying to impress Vy. She loves you as you are.”
“Yeah, but I still have all those aunts and uncles to win over. I’m still a work in progress with them.”
Jeff chuckled. “Which is why marrying you came easy, milady. No family approval to get. Except Erin, and he already liked me.”
“Truth.” Erin looked at Collin and raised his eyebrows. He motioned with his head toward Jeff. His sister nodded. Erin began, “We…uh…think we’ve found some relatives on the maternal side of our DNA.”
“Really? That’s good, right?” Jeff looked pleased.
“Could be. Except it’s from our mom.”
Jeff frowned at Erin sideways. “That’s what maternal DNA is, bro. From your mom’s side.”
Erin shook his head. “No, I mean, it’s our mom’s DNA. She’s alive. Maybe. And she’s had three children from another marriage. We’ve got two brothers and a sister we didn’t know existed. Maybe.” He waited for Jeff to process the information.
Jeff’s eyes moved from Erin to Collin to the babies back to Erin. “Wow.”
“Your wife’s words exactly. Except she said it backward.”
Two sets of eyes rolled. Erin shrugged and smiled. “A little levity now and then.”
Jeff sneered at him. “Very little.” He addressed Collin. “Is this something you want to look into?”
Collin rocked in her chair. “I don’t know. I haven’t had time to consider it.” She pointed to Erin. “What about you?”
“I’m torn. Part of me wants to meet the siblings. Part of me is afraid of the answers I’ll get to my questions if we meet our mother. Part of me is afraid she won’t want to meet us.”
Collin smiled gently. “Any other parts of you have opinions?”
Erin stared at the ceiling, squinted. “Probably. But not right this moment.”
Caleb wiggled on the floor, put his fist in his mouth, and began sucking on it. Jeff picked up the still-sleeping infant and placed him on his shoulder. “Shhh, little one. Don’t wake up the others. It’s not time yet.” Jeff eyed Erin over the head of the baby. “What are you going to do?”
“I’ll make first contact and see if they want to answer. That’s how the game is played.”
Collin nodded. “And keep me posted of what and who you find. I may not be ready to meet our mother, but yeah, more aunts and uncles for the babies would be fun.”
“Except I’ll have to invite them to the wedding. We were trying to keep this a small affair, under a thousand, you know?” He raised his hands in despair.
Collin laughed. “Yeah, I know. There’s always someone you forgot to include who needs a last-minute invite.”
Erin sighed. “I know. Vy keeps saying we should elope. I’d do it, but I’m afraid of her mom and dad. Especially her mom. She nails me with a look and asks, ‘Are you taking care of my daughter the way she deserves?’ To which the answer is no, but only because Vy deserves the world and everything in it. I might be able to make a small down payment on it, but it will never be nearly enough.”
“You know she loves you. And you treat her with absolute respect.”
“At least that part her dad agrees on. I wouldn’t dare not respect her. All those sisters? Yikes!”
He checked his watch. “I need to go. I’ve got pre-marriage counseling in an hour, and I don’t want to be late.”
“Who’s it with?”
“One of the pastors from her church. Brother Tim. He’ll be the one performing the ceremony. If we ever get to that point.”
“Joint counseling, or just you?”
“Joint to start. If he feels the need, we’ll go to individual. I’m hoping he sees we’re perfectly compatible and will agree there’s not a reason under Heaven why we shouldn’t get married and expect to live happily ever after.”
Collin dropped her gaze to the floor. “Oh, Erin. You do need counseling. I’m not sure marriage counseling will solve it, though.”
“Hey, that’s another story. One Vy will tell me about, I’m sure.” Erin rose, blew kisses to the babies so as not to disturb them, kissed Collin’s forehead, bumped fists with Jeff, and showed himself out the door.
He checked his emails before he started the car. Six read, “You have a match!” in the subject line. Great. Fantastic. Who thought this would be a good idea?
Me, I know. Don’t remind me. Oh, well. He’d look at them at home. And turn the phone on silent.
* * *
Erin waited for Vy in front of the Calvary Chapel building on West and Cedar. Vy had been attending the church there since she was a babe in arms, so the story went. It would be the venue for their wedding. “All Johnson babies get married and buried here. Been that way for a hundred years.” Erin muttered, “Yes, Aunt Viola. Of course, Aunt Viola. Whatever you say, Aunt Viola.”
Vy’s namesake. And the self-appointed family matriarch. At least she adores me. I don’t think I’d have a chance with Vy if she didn’t. Erin chuckled to himself. I love her, too. She’s a great lady.
Vy tapped on the window to the car. Erin looked up and smiled. His whole being smiled. He slipped out of the vehicle and reached his hand out for her. “Hello, beautiful.”
Her skin, a glorious mahogany, glowed against the gold ring on her left hand. “Almost-afternoon yourself, sir. How are you?”
The couple held hands as they walked into the building. Erin brushed the snow off Vy’s coat and hat. Her hair, as dark as her skin, cut in soft waves circling her face. “Ready for the interrogation.”
She shoved him with her shoulder. “I hardly think it will be an interrogation, Mr. Winger.”
“Not that it wouldn’t be worth it, mind you. I’ll go through anything to marry you.”
Vy smiled with her eyes. “You keep saying that, sir, and I may take you up on it.”
He squeezed her hand. “I hope so.”
They waited outside of Brother Tim’s office for ten minutes while he “got ready” for their appointment. Erin’s nervousness increased. What’s to get ready? Firing squad?
Finally, the door opened, and Tim waved them through. “Come in, Vy. Come in, Mr. Winger, is it?”
Erin shook hands with the man. His hand actually disappeared into Brother Tim’s. Six-foot something tall. Weight to match his height. His grip felt firm but not intimidating. Skin tone darker than Vy. Coal-black hair, with only a few stray reminders of age in evidence. He pointed to the chairs, one on either end of the desk. No couch. Oh, rats. No getting hints from Vy. This could be difficult…
Tim sat in his chair between the two. “How can I help you today?”
Erin deferred to Vy. “We’re here for pre-marriage counseling, Brother Tim.” She wrinkled her nose at him, her eyes smiling. “Why else does a young couple come to you?”
He raised his eyebrows. “You aren’t the usual young couple I see. Most of them are much younger. Much younger.” He looked at Erin. “How old are you, Mr. Winger?”
“Erin, please. I’m twenty-nine.”
Brother Tim turned away from Erin. Almost dismissing him. “And Vy, I know how old you are. Seems like just yesterday we baptized you in the river at summer camp.” His smile was broad, and his eyes sparkled.
Vy ducked her head. “It’s been a bit longer than yesterday, Brother Tim. I’m twenty-six.”
Tim drawled, “So you’ve been walking with Jesus fourteen years now, right?”
Vy clicked her tongue. “I wouldn’t say all fourteen of them, Brother Tim. I admit some of those years were spent walking closer than others.” Vy sat up straighter in her chair.
Tim waved off her protest. “But you were coming here even during those times. Which means you were hearing the Word of the Lord.”
“I may have been hearing it, but I wouldn’t say I always listened.” Vy’s eyes narrowed, if only slightly.
Tim laughed. “Which is true of all of us, Vy. Some days, we listen better than others. But your walk has always been exemplary. You’ve served in this church since you were sixteen. You assisted the children’s department, taught Sunday school, and been faithful to come every Sunday. I’ve looked at your attendance. I wish all our people had your devotion to being here.”
Erin felt a twitch in his gut. He breathed out. Speak truth. Nothing but truth.
Tim turned to Erin. The smile left the big man’s face and eyes. His look turned stern. “And you, Mr. Winger? You do know the Lord as your personal Savior, don’t you?” It came out more like a threat than an inquiry.
Erin nodded. “Yes, sir. It will be four years in August since I accepted Him. I’ve walked as close as I can since then.”
Tim’s voice became cool. “There’s none of us walk as close as we can, Mr. Winger. We all have room for improvement.” The man behind the desk glared at Erin.
Erin lifted his chin. “And I’ll be the first to admit I’m a work in progress, sir. I have a long way to go.”
“Why such a late start, Mr. Winger?” Tim made some notes on the writing pad in front of him.
“Erin, please. I wasn’t raised in a home that acknowledged Jesus as Lord. The only god my father recognizes is money. It wasn’t until the Lord freed me from my father’s influence that I met Him, accepted Him, and came to own Him as Lord and Savior.”
Tim’s eyebrows rose. “Four years ago. You were twenty-five and still living with your mommy and daddy? Were you in college, Mr. Winger?” The insult was clear. And deliberate.
Erin saw Vy’s eyes darken. He smiled at her. “No, Brother Tim. Not in college. But living with my father, yes. My mother died when my sister and I were five. I had an accident which left me paralyzed from the waist down at fourteen. The Lord healed me after I turned twenty-five. He freed me from my wheelchair and from my father’s abuse and control. It’s a debt I will never be able to repay Him, but I’ll spend my life trying.”
Vy relaxed slightly. Tim snorted. A little snort. “I see. And this father who worships money. Where is he now? Will he have opportunity to interfere in your lives together going forward?”
“My father and his two brothers are in federal prison. Life without parole for murder. Among other things.” If he doesn’t ask, I’m not going there. Let the other things stay ‘things.’
Tim’s eyes narrowed. “So you had a rough upbringing. How—”
Erin interrupted. “No, Brother Tim.”
Tim corrected sharply, “It’s Pastor Tim for you, Mr. Winger.” He glared hard at Erin.
Erin felt the check in his spirit. Do not answer in like manner. The Lord will uphold you. “Forgive me. Pastor Tim.” Erin kept his face solemn. “My father’s greed is the corporate kind. The Lord delivered me from his influence and from the vices my father worked to instill in me. I can say money does not own me. Power does not own me. Stupidity may still have a foothold, but Vy is working on chasing it out.”
Erin smiled at Vy. She chuckled. “Yes, I am. But the Lord did a good job on you first, Erin. I have no complaints.”
Tim harrumphed and tapped his desk. “We’ll see what the personality tests reveal. “
Erin nodded. “They will show Vy is perfect in every way and deserves someone far better than me. Her only character flaw is she loves a person so far below her standing he can’t conceive why she loves him.”
Vy lifted her chin. “She loves him because he first loved the Lord. And he lay down his life to save mine more than once. And he’s gentle and fun and forgiving and makes me smile. And I want to spend the rest of my life knowing him better.”
Tim cleared his throat. “All very impressive. Both of you. Wonderful sentiments. Unfortunately, sentiment won’t hold a marriage together.” He folded his hands and lay them on his desk. And glared at Erin.
Erin held Tim in his gaze. “No, sir, it won’t. Only commitment to the Lord and to each other will. Along with hard work to put the other first in all things. To think of the other as more important than ourselves. To ask every morning, ‘What would Jesus want me to do?’ and do it.”
Vy leaned in and took Erin’s hand. “Reading the Word together. Praying together. Devoting ourselves to His service. Working to make each other the very best version of ourselves we can be in the Lord.” She smiled at Tim, but she put a challenge in it. “And we’ve been doing so every day since the Lord brought us together. Mostly in groups or over the internet. We are careful to keep ourselves from temptation. We want the Lord to honor our union.”
Tim sat back. Almost as if bored. “Very interesting. I hear all the right words. But right words can quickly vanish when one partner is unequally yoked with another.” Again, he glared at Erin.
Erin drew in a silent breath. “Are you referring to our races, Pastor?”
“I’m referring to Vy having walked with the Lord all her life, and you, by your own admission, only knowing of Him for four.” He leaned in his chair, tipping it back on its legs.
Erin held Tim’s gaze. “I don’t know ‘of’ Him, Pastor. I know Him. He is my Lord, my Savior, my King. I know Him. His Spirit lives in me. I live and move and have my being in Him alone. I don’t know how many ways to say it, so you will believe it.”
Tim shrugged. “I hear your words, Mr. Winger. If you love this woman as you say you do, you won’t mind me asking you a question.” His eyes bored deep into Erin. “What is the proof of your faith? Where is your fruit?”
Vy’s eyes lit up. Erin held his hand up. “I’ll answer. Because he’s trying to make sure you are getting someone worthy of you. Someone you deserve.”
Her gaze could have cut diamonds. “Pastor Tim. You have no cause to ask this man—”
“Vy. I’ll answer.” Erin turned back to Tim. “I attend church at the Fifth Street Mission, sir. I serve breakfast to the residents, drive the bus to pick up the locals who want to attend but can’t reach us. During the week, I teach chess at the downtown rec center.”
Erin drew a breath, getting his emotions under control. “I tutor personal finance classes at the mission when we have enough interested residents.” He felt calm sweep in. “I attend Bible study at the Mission as well as at my sister and brother-in-law’s home. I’m part of a discipleship group that meets at six a.m. on Tuesdays at the coffee shop on Wesley and Main in the Hilltop district. None of which proves anything. I can’t prove my faith, Pastor. I can only live it out.” Peace filled his soul.
Tim seemed unimpressed and turned his attention to other issues. “What do you do for a living, Mr. Winger?”
“I manage property for Farrell and Son Inc. as well as for One Way Builders.”
“What exactly do you do, Mr. Winger?”
“When the company begins a new building project, I oversee the fine details of budgeting, material purchasing, labor acquisition, and the like. I make sure projects in progress continue to move forward and are completed in a timely and fiscally responsible manner.”
“Have you ever worked with your hands, Mr. Winger?” Again, the eyes boring into Erin.
Erin smiled. He would not be intimidated. “Not without hurting myself, no.”
Tim scowled. “Do you have any concept of the value of hard work, Mr. Winger?”
Vy stood up. Her voice sharp, she glared at Tim. “That’s enough. Pastor Tim, you have no right to ask these questions of him or anyone else. Erin is a fine, Godly man who loves the Lord and lives out his faith every day.”
She drew in a deep breath and continued to snarl at Tim. “I’m honored he wants to marry me, and if this is the kind of attitude he will be facing in this church, we will find somewhere else to go.” She turned to Erin. “I am leaving. I won’t sit by and watch you be bullied—”
Erin reached out to take her hand. “It’s okay, Vy.”
“No, it is not okay. Not for one minute is it okay. This—”
Tim began to chuckle. The big man’s eyes twinkled. He reached over and held his hand out to shake Erin’s. “Wonderful to meet you, Erin. Welcome to the church.”
Vy’s eyes widened, narrowed, flashed from Erin to Tim and back. Tim pointed to the chair. “Sit down, Vy. The clearest proof of a man’s heart is when he is under pressure or being attacked. Erin demonstrated the fruit of the Spirit in his choice not to answer back, not to retaliate in kind. He trusted himself to the Lord despite my insults. Only a man with a heart given wholly to the Lord would be able to do that.”
Tim raised his eyebrows at Vy. “You, however, need to work on controlling your temper.”
Erin chose discretion and didn’t laugh. He swallowed most of his smile. Most of it. Vy sank back into her chair, but her eyes maintained the fire. “I see. Well, Pastor Tim, what other surprises do you have set up for us?”
“None. I think you both will do fine. If you remember all you declared to me today, remember who and what you are fighting for, you will have a long, happy life together. When do you wish to get married?”
* * *
Vy and Erin met at the Beanery Coffee shop after they finished with Pastor Tim. Vy seemed to have some leftover resentment of the way the session had gone. Erin held her hand as they were served their drinks.
“It’s all good, Vy. Honest. You can’t insult me anymore. My father did it enough the twenty-five years I lived with him. Tim’s indictments were nothing I haven’t heard before.”
“I still think it’s an underhanded way of assessing someone’s spirituality.”
Erin chuckled. “I thought he’d tell me I couldn’t marry you because I haven’t known the Lord as long…and since you have such a head start on me, I’d never catch up.”
“I don’t know about the head start. I certainly blew it there.”
Erin squeezed her hand. “I got a hit on the ancestry tree this morning.”
Vy withdrew her hand and cupped both around the mug. “Oh? Someone you didn’t know?”
“My mom’s side of the family.” A car honked outside the window. Someone yelled in response. It wasn’t ‘hello’ either. Sigh.
Vy leaned in. “Your mother’s parents?”
“My mother.” Erin watched Vy’s face.
Vy sat back. She cocked her head. “But you told me—”
“My mom died when we were five. I thought she had, too. It’s what we were told. According to the DNA matches, she might still be living and breathing and married and have kids. I’ve got two brothers and a sister I didn’t know about, not to mention my mother being alive. And here in Ohio.”
Vy’s eyes widened. “Oh?”
Erin looked at the ceiling. “I don’t know what to think.” He caught Vy’s gaze. “Do I go forward with making contact? Or leave it alone?”
Vy’s eyes pierced his. “Which do you want to do, Erin? Which will give you the most peace?”
“I don’t know. And yes, I’m praying about it.”
She smiled. “When you have peace, you’ll have your answer.”
Erin lowered his head and shook it. “If you’re so smart, why do you want to marry me?”
“Maybe my heart is smarter than my brain.”
“I’ll never doubt your heart, Vy. I love you.”
“I love you, Erin.”

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